My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
You Might Also Like
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
🤣🤣🤣
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.