I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
You Might Also Like
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Who chose this font
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Many hands make light work
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.