Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.