How to shape your eyebrows
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I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.