HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
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Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears