me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Holy shit he’s back
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.