I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?