There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
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Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.