*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
You Might Also Like
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends