I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
A great tip. #CakeRex
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut