PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
You Might Also Like
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”