Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever