Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
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Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest