Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
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Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates