No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”