“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
You Might Also Like
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry