Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
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When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable