Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
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everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*