This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
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Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Raisins are grape jerky.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
thanksgiving in nutshell
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.