If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
This is a bad sign
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one