“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you