I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
You Might Also Like
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.