LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.