My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.