When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
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maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
2022 be like
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE