Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
This is what makes twitter great
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson