When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
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Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
(Musicians.)
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks