Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?