Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.