Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
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Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
What the hell is going on?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here