HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
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“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*