My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.