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* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”