There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Time for evil
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
The glockness monster
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Me irl
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?