I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON