Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Taking phone security to the next level.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.