Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
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I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Otters see a butterfly.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Pretty much! 😂👀
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.