Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
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I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy