I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
You Might Also Like
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
you have three unread messages
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Doormats are a gateway rug.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive