them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
New tinder profile pic
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.