What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Barbie gone wild
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.