Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
You Might Also Like
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
bout dat hot dog summer
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Cats (2019)
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name