FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
You Might Also Like
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Beware…..
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no