*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.