“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
im all 3
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”