Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
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Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving