🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone