As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja