Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.