If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
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Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Life hack
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face